Yesterday Eli turned 5! I can't even believe it. It seems like just yesterday he was born.
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We had a Sheriff Callie's Wild West birthday party for the boys! It was so much fun! Lots of friends and family and tons of great fun! :) October flew by and I didn't post a thing. Not one. :( Being back at work part time has really made it difficult for me to find the time and energy but I am really trying to get back into things. :) Let's recap the month shall we? I am guilty. I have been tried and convicted in my own court. I shall forever have to live with this... This shame... This guilt... What have I done? I am a pretty good person. I pray. I go to church. I take care of my kids. Sometimes I loose my temper. But over all I am a pretty good mom and wife. I try to help people. I try to keep a positive attitude. So WHAT IS IT THAT I AM GUILTY OF?!?!?!?! Well, I am guilty of forgetting. Forgetting what, you ask? Oh man, this is where things get complicated. :/ I am guilty of forgetting a few things. 1: All of my blessings. I know people say count your blessings, and sometimes I do. But I never really get past the typical: kids, husband, family and friends. But what about the other things? What about the toilet that I can sit on that has perfectly good water in it? What about the toilet PAPER that I am so picky about? What if I didn't have those things?!?!?! How my life would change! What about the blessing of soap to clean with? I have recently become a soap snob, but what about those who don't have ANY soap? It's these little blessings that I am guilty of overlooking.... 2: The place that I live. Sometimes I find myself getting so mad/angry at people in the government and positions of power that I forget how great it is to live in the good ol' US of A. We are free... What would life look like if we were NOT free to choose and do what we feel? That is a true life fact for many people around the world. I am guilty of taking freedom for granted.... 3: Those persecuted around the world. This is what I am most ashamed of. Forgetting those persecuted around the world. HOW COULD I??? I will tell you how... Because I live a life in posh surroundings and pleasantness. I am embarrassed to say this. But it is true. I actually FORGET that others don't live like this. I forget that I can go to church, heck WORK in a church, without fear for my life. I forget that others have to meet in secret and even then they are not safe. 4: My time with my children. I forget just how awesome my time with my children is. I know that some mom's have to make ultimate sacrifices for their children. Who gets to eat dinner tonight? Who gets to sleep in a bed? Even to the point of laying down their LIVES to protect their children. I actually FORGET that this is a burden for some mom's... HOW DARE I??????
Welp, we did it! The first day of school has come and gone and we have SURVIVED! :) Jack didn't cry as much as I thought he would and Eli loved recess as much as I thought he would! lol. ;)
Eli and I had a moment today. It was one of those moments that tugs at the heartstrings, but in the end you feel like maybe, just maybe, life will go on. Here is what happened:
Eli: Why do babies die? (Me: I don't understand, why do babies die?) Why do people die? (Oh, because we don't live forever) Why don't we live forever? (Because we have a set number of days to live and only God knows how many) Oh. (After we die, we will go to heaven and be with God, Jesus and all those people who died before us) Oh, ok Few minutes later I am rubbing his back and I feel him sobbing... (Eli, what is wrong?) When you die, Mama, I won't have a mommy any more (And there are my waterworks) (Oh Eli, I will always be your mama! Even when I get to heaven!) Really? (Yes. And I am not planning on going to heaven till you are old and have a wife and children of your own to take care of you) Ok. (I love you baby!) I love you so much mama. MAN! I thought I would have had more time before this conversation. But I always try to be honest and I think I was.... I don't want him to stress about this, but to be honest with him and myself we are NOT promised tomorrow. We are only promised this moment that we are in right now. Only God knows what will happen in the next moment. Time. When you talk about it, it seems like we are always running out of it, wishing we had more of it, wishing it would speed up, wishing it would slow down... Time is so infinite. It's such a hard thing to understand. In our life we have a set number of days. We don't know how many we will have. We don't know when or how we will pass on into heaven. We just don't know. But if you take the fact that the average American will live to be about 78 years old, that gives us a finite number to work with. That means we have: 936 months or 28,470 days or 683,280 hours or 40,996,800 minutes or 2,459,808,000 seconds of life on average. When I break it down like that it really doesn't seem like enough. And what about the people who pass on at a younger age? MAN! Time is so fleeting. I look at Eli and Jack and this is what I see: I can't even begin to explain how much I want to hold each moment and never let it go. Each and every day I know that is one moment I won't get back with my babies.... One more moment that they are a little more grown up.... One more moment that has passed since they were born.... One more moment till they grow up to much to kiss mama goodbye...
It's so hard. Because sometimes (if I am honest with myself) I don't even want to leave the house. I want to hole up in the house and lock out the rest of the world and stay right where we are forever. Of course I know I can't. I know they will continue to grow and one day they WON'T want mama to give them kisses. But for the moment, for the time being, I will give them as many kisses as I can and stop counting those 2,459,808,000 seconds. The last couple of weeks have been hard for me... I don't really know why, but all of a sudden I feel very "lost" in life....
I don't know, maybe it's because everytime I turn around... there is another crisis "Mommy can you play with me?" (and what is it that I have been doing?!) there is milk on the floor someone spilled the dog's water dish I am picking up the same toy for the fifth time in an hour someone is crying someone is having a fit someone is saying, "NO MOMMY!" someone is asking to watch Peppa Pig while the other is crying for Jake someone's diaper needs to be changed someone wants to go outside someone wants to take a bath someone wants to take out Legos someone is tired someone is tired and doesn't want to go to bed someone wants pancakes someone wants grits there is a bathroom that needs to be clean there are floors that need to be washed there are dishes to put away there is laundry to be done there are crafts to be made there are stores to be shopped at there are gifts to wrap there are parties to plan I guess somewhere in all of that, I have felt lost lately. I am trying to remember that this season of life will go by all to fast and I will want it back... I am hoping that by blogging this it will help me to regain my focus of life. Take a deep breath and start the next day with a happy heart that is ready for whatever happens, even if it is picking up the same toy five times in an hour.... Hello! I am Mary Kate. I am a woman. I am a Christian. I am a mother. I stay at home with my children. I am pro-life. I am anti capital punishment.
And... MY OPINIONS COUNT! I am so tired of people trying to push other people's opinions out of the way. If you don't agree with the majority, then you don't count. Or if you don't agree with popular opinion, then you are a bad person who doesn't care about others or their feelings. I am pro-life, but I have friends who have had abortions. Do I love them less? No. Do I look down upon them? No. Do I wish they felt like they had other options at the time? Of course! My being pro-life DOES NOT in any way affect how I feel about my friends and family who are pro-choice. It just means that for me and my faith, I feel that pro-life is the way for me. BUT, when I say I am pro-life people automatically tune me out as some crazy person who wants to push what I believe on to you. That is sad to me. Ask me WHY I am pro-life. If someone asked me, I would tell them I am pro-life NOT just because of my faith but also because I have seen a baby born before he was supposed to be here. I have watched that baby struggle and grow. I have seen a baby alive, breathing and holding onto life when other people CHOOSE to end their babies lives. That is why I am pro-life. While I have never walked in the shoes of those who have had to make this choice, I wish that there were more options for those who have to. So the next time you are talking to someone and they take a stance that is not what you necessarily believe in, take a moment and ask them about it. Maybe their stance is not just the knee-jerk reaction that you think it is. Maybe they have a valid reason for believing that they do. And even if it is something that they believe "just because" they do, don't they deserve to have an opinion too? Even if it isn't what popular culture dictates should be acceptable? I think so. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and they should be able to speak their mind WITHOUT worry that they will just be tossed aside as a "crazy Christian girl" or a "pro-life radical". I did almost everything on my 30 Before 30 List! I am super proud! :) There were a couple that I didn't get to do, but I will continue working on them this year. :) Just wanted to update on that. :)
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