On to the 30 before 30 list!
Well, this is it! The last week of my 20's has finally arrived! I am surprisingly not freaking out yet... but that could be due in part to the fact that all 4 of us have been sick since we left the cruise ship! :( Jack got sick on Wednesday, Rick on Thursday, Eli on Friday and me on Saturday! :( But everyone is on the mend finally! :) On to the 30 before 30 list! #1 is DONE! We went on a Disney Cruise to Cozumel, Mexico and Castaway Cay, Bahamas! :) It was fantastic! We had a great time! :) #21 is off the list! We visited 2 different countries! Mexico and the Bahamas! This picture is from Mexico. Eli wanted to go in the water so we found this little tiny beach area to check out! :) #17- This is Eli's picture of the Caribbean Sunset. :) #31- This was an extra incase I didn't get all the ones on my list done, drinking Bahama Mama's in the Bahamas! :) #32- Again, an extra! :) We raised over $1000.00 for the March of Dimes this year with our FANTASTIC team! :) Woo hoo! #9- I also finished another book! :) Little Miss StoneyB
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Tonight I am thinking about the dreaded "Why aren't you over it?" question. I QUITE DISLIKE that question. :( When people ask me it, it is usually about why I am not "over" Eli's premature birth. They say things like, "Why aren't you over it?" "It was so long ago." "You can't even tell he was a preemie by looking at him now!" Where many women fall right into the mother roll, it took me longer to get there. I didn't want to get attached. You see, when I would walk into the NICU, I was full of fear about what the problem would be that day. There were very few days, even right to the end, that there wasn't a problem that had to be dealt with. It wasn't for a couple of weeks that I finally felt comfortable with the "mom" word. So, my mothering roll didn't start the same way most women's do. When you see your child with tubes to help him live, it will forever change the way that you mother. I don't know what kind of a mother I would have been had Eli not been in the NICU. But I won't ever have a chance to know that mother. I am the mother that I am. The mother who try's not to take any moment for granted, because I know that it could all go away all to soon. The mother who looks at her child and realizes what a gift from God he truly is. I am a better mother because of what I have been through. I am a better mother because I have walked to the brink of loss and come back from it changed. When will I "get over it"? I can safely say NEVER. I will NEVER be over what happened to Eli. I will never be over what happened to ME! I will always talk about it, always be concerned for my fellow mothers who are pregnant. I will always ask the most probing questions to my expecting friends "How is your blood pressure?" "Are you spilling protein?" "What did the doctor say about the swelling?" "Headache has been here for how long?" I ask because I know. I know the signs of something going chaotic. I NEVER want what happened to me to happen to another human being again. EVER! I am working hard to make sure that other mothers will never have to experience the same being to motherhood as I did, because it's not really a beginning to motherhood as much as it is a beginning to the chaos that will now make you into a different person. So the answer to the question, "Why aren't you over it?" Well, the answer is because it is a part of who I am now. And that is something that is never going to change. There is this phrase that people use... "The Mommy Wars." I am amazed by it. WHY are we having MOMMY wars?? Aren't there enough other "wars" that we should be fighting? Why are MOMMY's having wars?
Why can't mom's just accept that we are all different. There are things that I do and have done with my kids that you might never dream of doing with yours. Well, there are some things that you do with your kids that I wouldn't do with mine! Is that ok? Yes, yes it is. Why? Because you are your own mommy-person and I am my own mommy-person. We are not the same. We don't have to be. If we all made the same choices while raising our kids, our kids would turn out the exact same. What fun would that be? The other day Bethy and I were at Target. We were checking out the Easter stuff and we heard a mom in another aisle yelling at her kid. What did the kid do? I don't know. Would I have been yelling at my kid in Target without a really good reason? Most likely not. BUT.... I don't know what the kid did. I don't know that mom. Maybe she was having a really bad day and kinda flew off the handle for a second. I don't know. But we walked away with a kind smile to mom who smiled back. Maybe that made her day a little better? I don't know that either. There have been moments when we are out in public that I have yelled at Eli. Over nothing really. But I yelled and then I felt bad. I got the "how could you?" stares from the strangers. I felt bad enough, I didn't need the stares. :( I just feel like the Mommy Wars are something that we Mommy's need to put aside. When you see something concerning, talk to the mom, don't just judge her. See what is going on and if you can help. We have so many other "wars" we will have to fight... The war of the attitudes, the war of drugs and alcohol, the war of forgiveness, the war of molding our kids into good people even though the world wants to take them another way. THOSE are wars we need to fight! Not these SILLY Mommy Wars! Come on moms, lets stand by each other! There are enough other people who will judge us! Let's not do it to each other! So... #14 Go to see a play is off the list! ;)
Rick and I took Eli to see the Disney Pirates and Princess play. :) It was so fun! Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First and Jake and the Neverland Pirates all made an appearance. :) It wasn't exactly what I was thinking when I wrote the list, but it was a play and it will do! :) With only 2.5 months to go till I turn 30 *YIKES* I need to get moving! Here are the latest items marked off the list... #8 Go to a musical event! Del, Bethy and I went to see Trisha Yearwood in concert on Feb 19. She was amazing (like always) and it was a fun girls night out! #28 Go to South Beach Food and WIne Fest We went to the SBFW Family Fun Day at Jungle Island! SO MUCH FUN! :) We even got to see a cooking demonstration by Andrew Zimmern and to see Robert Irvine. #29 Meet someone famous We got to meet Andrew Zimmern and he autographed a book and apron for us! :) All at the SBFW Family Fun Day! :) #10 Attempt to donate blood I did it! I conquered a fear! :) I went in, sat down and did it! To bad my blood stopped flowing 1/2 way through. :/ But they are going to use it for research so that is ok too! :) I also finished another book for #9 Read at least 12 books.
But this one (and the next 2) will remain unlisted! ;) I just read another mom's blog post about The Ache. It is EXACTLY how I feel.
My Ache is that feeling deep in your heart, near your stomach that comes when you realize that the season of babies is done in your life. It's hard for me to acknowledge the fact that I will never again be pregnant, never again feel my baby move inside me, never again hear the sweet heartbeat for the first time, never again see the beautiful image of my child in an ultrasound. It's hard for me to acknowledge that this season of my life is over. My heart Aches over it some days... Ok, if I am honest, most days. I cry over it, I have sobbed over My Ache. It is hard for me some days... When I hit up Facebook and I see an announcement... We are EXPECTING! I always say the obligatory "Congrats!" and like your pictures. I TRULY am happy for each and every one of you. I have been there! It really is a MIRACLE to carry a baby. And I am so so so happy for each person who posts that you are expecting. It just makes My Ache hurt a little more for a moment... Another thing that is agonizing is to hear that you are expecting a baby girl. My Ache hurts a little more when I am walking through the girl clothes section or see the dolls in the toy aisle. I am EXTATIC that you are having a girl, truly I am! I can't wait to hit up the little pink dresses and Minnie Mouse rattles! I will thoroughly enjoy holding her and loving on her. But just for a moment (sometimes a few moments) My Ache becomes almost deafening... So if I seem a little sad, or a little stand-offish... Please know that I truly am happy for you! I just need a moment to quiet My Ache enough to hear my heart! So there... I said it. It's out there. My Ache hurts over the littlest things. But I know that the seasons of life come and go for a reason. I am amazed at how fast they go by! My babies are no longer "babies" they are now toddlers and preschoolers. My Ache is still there, but my seasons keep changing. So this was on my 30 Under 30 list... Some might ask why? Well Rick really DOES NOT like having his picture taken. lol. So it's like pulling teeth to get pictures of all 4 of us together. :) My sisters bought us a Groupon and we went to take this picture. :) I really love it!
So #27 Have a nice family picture taken is DONE! I am having a hard time with turning 30... And I think some of it is psychological and some is physiological. Since the beginning of 2014 (the dreaded 30 year bday) I have been feeling my age... I have used up 2 bottles of TUMS in 2 weeks, my foot has been KILLING me, something is wrong with my finger and it has been itching for like a month... All this stuff... (This is turning into a complaining post, lol) But then my friend Chad posted this today... And I decided that this is very true... I have tried to care less about what others think of me, and care more about how I feel about myself. Care less about what others think of me, and enjoy the moments that will be gone to soon more! :) I like this... This might be my new motto! :)
Oh and I finished another book! So another 1/12 of #9 is done! Hello, Mallory. No one ever said how little time I would have when I had a second child! lol. It's already 2014 and I haven't done a good job about blogging this year. :( Maybe one of my resolutions will be that I have to blog at least once a week? Maybe.... Anyways! A lot has happened! :) Eli turned 4!! Where has my baby gone?!?! I can't believe that he is 4 already. It seems like just yesterday he was born... <3 Del and Zac got married! :) November was a really busy month for us! :) Del and Zac got married on the 30th and it was wonderful! A beautiful start to their happily ever after! <3 We took our annual NICU gifts back to the Memorial West NICU this December. It was such a blessing to go back and see the nurses and touch some lives. We even received an email from a family in the NICU right now saying thank you! <3 Christmas came and went and it was just as hectic and crazy as ever. But this year I tried to slow down and enjoy the moment a little more... The boys are growing way to fast! We headed to Orlando for a little New Year's celebration. :) And we went to 'Ohana at Disney for breakfast with the characters. So fun! I was also able to mark off some of my 30 before 30 list! :)
I was in a wedding! (Thanks Del, lol) (#18) I am now the proud owner of a Disney Vera Bradley change purse (Thanks Mom and Dad!) (#13) I have finished some more books: (All of these fall under #9) When the Rouge Returns BSC #1 Kristy's Big Idea BSC #2 Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls Tempting Cameron BSC Super Special #1 Baby Sitters on Board! We took Christmas bags back to the NICU (#11) I have marked off quite a few things on my list now! :) I am really proud! :) But my 30th birthday is closing in fast so I need to get moving! ;) I can't even believe that I forgot to blog about one of my 30 Before 30 adventures! :/ In August we went on a Family trip to Naples. When I was growing up, we went to Naples all the time over the summer. :) We would go at least 2-3 weekends and hang by the pool. All the cousins would come and we would play, bond and giggle. They were the best weekends. I want that for Eli and Jack too! So we set up a weekend and headed to Naples. :) It was so much fun! I can't wait till our next one!
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